Mawiage.....

So, I have been thinking a lot about marriage lately. Partly because I am old enough (kind of); maybe almost mature enough (although....is anyone really mature enough for marriage before they actually just jump in? No).

Possibly because the opportunity seems to be waving at me from the near-ish future. Maybe. I don't know. I can't think about it or I start hyper-ventilating.

Also, my brother is getting married, which is just a brain explosion of gigantic proportions. I almost can't handle it. This is the kid whose arms I scarred with my nails. This is the kid who tried to push me down the stairs. This is the kid I locked outside of the house, on a winter's day, with no jacket. This is the kid who tried to yank out a fistful of my hair.

We have loved each other so much, so deeply. In so many unique and magical ways.

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 Marriage. Every time someone close to me actually goes through with it, they are usually subjected to an intense session of questions, courtesy of yours truly. I have interviewed so many people. So many couples.

And still: I struggle with how it works. More specifically: how do you trust that if you take that leap, it's going to be ok?

HAH. And the answer is, she says with much grinding of teeth, that you can't be sure. You can never be sure of anything. Ever. At all. Except - I am obliged to say, otherwise he might smite me: God.

What I have figured out though, is that a good marriage, a happy marriage doesn't just happen. There are things you can do, just as with every single thing in life, that can make it flourish, or cause it to wither.

I know this, because I have read two books in the subject in the past two weeks, I have a folder in my computer bookmarks devoted to Youtube videos by John Gottman, and I have read so many studies and articles dissecting every part of marriage that I'm surprised I actually have time to watch The Real Housewives of Miami. Which is also for educational purposes: how not to be a good wife.

I now have conversations like this:

Mary: I read a study saying that pre-marital counselling was a sign of future marital success. The statistics are mind boggling.

Spanish Boyfriend: *pause* *silence* *the beginnings of a look of desperation*

Mary: I know, it's so interesting. Apparently the breakdown of most marriages rests in not talking about important things beforehand and not being able to communicate well. Apparently if you try to deal with all that beforehand, it really makes things work better.

Spanish Boyfriend: Uhuh. *desperation has turned into panic*

Mary: I think we should do that.

Spanish Boyfriend: *Face of: Dear God. Please. No.*

He doesn't really think it's not going to happen, right? It's absolutely going to happen

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I do have one conclusion. Happiness in marriage relies (along with an ocean of grace).....on you. It rests in your very own hands.

Be Patient, Generous, Forgiving, Charitable. Don't assume you are right. Always apologize. Praise abundantly. Don't be critical. Ask nicely, don't command. Be respectful. Don't mock. Don't bad mouth. Be cheerful, joyful even. Be attentive. Be considerate. And don't stop.

In short: Be virtuous. Be the best you were created to be.

Short of being married to a psychopath or a complete narcissist, if you act the way you want to be treated, you will be treated in the same way. It might take a while, but then, that just gives you the opportunity to hone your patience. Yay!

Sarcasm aside, there is something completely freeing in all this. This means - aside from life's curveballs, and yes, in spite of them - that happiness in marriage, happiness in life itself, is not some arbitrary thing.

Please note that I am not saying all that is an easy thing, either. In fact, I imagine there are some days that it is fudgingly (family friendly blog) hard. What I am saying is, though, that marital bliss something which can be worked at and achieved in very concrete ways.

It is not the luck of the draw. It is not dependant on how many doves flutter around you as you say your vows. It will be what you make of it. And if you make a mud pie....it's kind of no one's fault but your own.

*Said the unmarried girl with all the solemn wisdom which the weight of 25 years has bestowed on her.*