Nerve Strain

On Wednesday I went to go hang my clothing out to dry, and was greeted by a herd of cats. Or would it be a flock? A brood? A horde?

In any case - 5 kittens, accompanied by 3 cats started leaping around me the minute I went outside. They followed me around the property mewling their heads off and trying to rub their backs against my ankles.

Cats terrify me.

They are so serpentine and sneaky and demanding. They seem rather malicious. Ever seen the rather fabulous movie Mean Girls? That's right - cats are the queen bees of the animal kingdom. They will steal your boyfriend and embarrass you in front of the whole school if you let them.

I know I shouldn't paint with such broad strokes - there are, I am sure, perfectly lovely cats out there. These wild cats aren't them.

Anyway, I finished hanging up my clothes, ran through the front door before they could get in, and slammed it shut. They pawed and clawed at the door for the next couple hours. Finally, when I figured that my clothing would be dry and the cats would be gone, I opened the front door.

A pile of fur made a howling, flying leap at me, and with a terrified yelp I shut the door, and didn't venture out until the next morning.

It was like something out of a horror movie: Invasion of the Feral Cats.

I ended up solving the problem by lugging a water bottle with me whenever I went outside, squirting them whenever they came near.

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On top of that, a couple days before the cats invaded, I heard a weird rattling in my kitchen. I went in to investigate, and saw to my abject horror that a cockroach was trapped in one of the glass jugs on the shelf.

I put saran wrap over the mouth of the jug, put a bottle of olive oil on top of the saran-wrap (in case it is possible for cockroaches to climb glass walls and then claw through plastic), and waited for it to die.

While I waited, I investigated cockroach infestations and cockroach diseases in wikipedia and about.com.

I convinced myself that I was living in the midst of a cockroach infestation, and that I was going to succumb to all the diseases - possibly the plague - that they would give me.

The internet is a dangerous place.

In an attempt to be sane and rational, though, I had a talk with myself in which I was informed that I am much bigger and way more intelligent than any cockroach. Accordingly, I came up with a solution.

When the cockroach finally died two days later - they are remarkably hardy - I didn't dump it into the garbage as had been my plan. I left it in the covered jug - it is still there - as an example to any other cockroaches who might think it is a good idea to spend time in my house.

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Bugs are a really big deal here.

Every time I roll out my yoga mat, I stop breathing until I am sure that there is no spider or centipede trapped inside.

About a week ago, I was making dinner, and heard all this crazy tapping on all the windows. It didn't really register as anything important. A few minutes later, though, I was getting annoyed by a fly buzzing around my head, so I opened the french doors to let it out. Immediately, a herd of HUGE black flies zoomed their way in. I am not exaggerating when I say that there were about two dozen flies doing loop - di - loops all over my house.

I started to think about the X-Files for some reason. Wasn't there an episode about a fly man?

At any rate, I found it pretty scary.

Eventually they all exited the same way they had come in, and I was left wondering what, precisely, in my cooking had led them into such a frenzy.

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There is, perhaps, a rat in my roof.

Rats were not even in my thought processes until today. I went on the weekly hike, and Gill, the group leader was telling me about various things when rats came up. I started to breath really fast and asked, in a completely fake casual voice if they happened to be a big problem.

"Well, most people in the village have them."

I started to feel a little lightheaded. "Um. So, how do you know if you have them?" I didn't even pretend to be casual about it. She could tell I was terrified.

"Well, sometimes you can hear them in the roof, scurrying around."

Full on hyperventilation. Sky rocketing panic. Because....

Last Sunday I heard thumping above my head as I woke up, and I naively assumed it to be cats having a morning frolic as the sun came up.

Probably......not.

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I love it here, I really do, and I feel immensely blessed to be here.

However.

I might not return without someone in tow who does not mind dealing with bugs and rodents and possessed cats.

The strain on my poor nerves is just way too immense.