Friday, September 23, 2011

Possible Pharmaceutical Error

The other morning was quite possibly one of the most ridiculous scenes of my life. My alarm went off, reminding me to take my thyroid meds, and I was most certainly not ready for it. 

Because I couldn’t imagine sliding my body four feet over so that I could make a reach for my pill bottle, I started to throw vicious epithets towards anything that seemed to deserve it. It seemed a constructive thing to do.

Then I laid there for a good chunk of time, trying to muffle the sound of the alarm with my pillows. When that didn’t work, I begged God to smite my phone. Failing that, I begged him to smite me.

Finally I realized that if I just made an effort for about 30 seconds, I could turn off the alarm, swallow my pills, and go back to sleep.

I moved enough until I was hanging over the edge of bed, feebly grabbing for my pill bottle and the shrilly beeping alarm. My hand kept missing and would slap lifelessly back onto the bed.

Moaning unceasingly, it occurred to me that death might be easier than this torture. I told God that I was ready to die. Death before effort, any time.
Miraculously, after a few tries, I got what I was was aiming for

But suddenly, through my addled brain, I had the panicked thought that maybe, four weeks ago, when she prepared my prescription, the pharmacist got it wrong. Maybe I was taking the WRONG PILLS! MAYBE I WAS BEING POISONED!!

It did not seem strange that this thought had not crossed my mind before now, at the crack of dawn, on a random day in the middle of Greece. No, it did not. It seemed like the most thoroughly logical thought that I had ever had.

I was so terrified of the poison that I was possibly consuming, that I actually summoned the energy and sat bolt upright in my bed and examined the pills. I looked at the lettering on them. I tried to remember what they have looked like the past few months. I thought about doing a google search.

But I didn’t want to get out of bed. I couldn't possibly.

At that thought, because I really did want to get back to burrowing under the covers, I threw all caution to the winds, and stuffed the pills in my mouth.

I went back to sleep, and awoke a few hours later a much more energetic person.

It might be odd that I find sleep more important than investigating my possibly potential death through pharmaceutical error.


  1. Haha! Mary! Should we be worried you're spending so much time alone?

  2. Very good Woody Allen imitation Mary.
    Last night we sat out on the patio in an incredibly balmy Calgary evening and ate Greek food from Calypso,with Bob, Francine, Elisa, Dan and Grandma. The food was glorious and we all thought of you. Popi,the owner of the restaurant wants you to marry her son more than ever:)

  3. PS - never underestimate the immensity of how psychotic I can be.

  4. hello maria. have you been to a greek restaurant yet?

  5. I miss you
    and john is asking about u