Things you need to know.

I would like to announce, since I am sure it has been weighing heavily on the minds of those who love me: my baby toe has finally responded to my loving care. The chamomile tea bag/honey compresses worked marvels (or it was the antibiotic ointment); the swelling has gone down, and Adelaide (my toe) is no longer excessively sore.

Since that is out of the way, let me tell you a little bit about Greece.

1) They do not flush toilet paper down the toilets here. The toilet paper goes into a little trash bin by the toilet. Does this make the bile rise in your throat as much as it does mine? I was almost dizzy with nausea when I found this out, and contemplated the red eye back to Calgary.

2) Instead of the wolf whistle, men here make a weird hissing/clicking sound to denote appreciation of a passing woman. Since this sounds like a combination of a snake and a cricket, it makes me seize up in a type of paralyzing terror. I do not like this sound, and am contemplating the purchase of a burqa.

3) I have finally figured out what the tomatoes here taste like: sunshine. There is no other word to describe it. This taste of pure, golden light might leave you staring vacantly into space for a little bit; make sure you are not in charge of children, fire, or letting the dog out.

4) When you eat fresh figs here, be prepared for your heart to stop. I do not exaggerate. I bought some at the store today, and as I was unpacking my groceries, I noticed one of them had burst open and was spilling out its garnet colored, golden flecked insides. I started to eat it. And my heart skipped a beat. It started up again (obviously), but I would have died content if it had not.

Finally, and most terribly:

5) Bus Stations do not have normal toilets. That's right. They have holes in the ground that you stand over. But they do not tell you this when you first walk into the washroom, and are confronted with a toothless woman demanding 1 euro for a square of one ply toilet paper. What is anyone supposed to do with that? Use it as a mantilla for your pet mouse?

The hole, combined with the little bin of dirtied toilet paper placed next to the hole, meant that I was shaking in that damn cubicle. Literally shaking. Like, shaking so hard I almost couldn't stand up straight, and thought my foot was going to land in the middle of the hole. This, I can assure you, would have been the end. The absolute end. There is no way in hell that I would have survived that trauma.

News Headlines: "Girl Dies of Heart Failure in Athens Bus Station (Severe fear of germs, the most likely cause). When I made it onto the bus, I started dousing my hands and arms, all the way up to my elbows, with antibacterial gel.

The natives looked at me very oddly. Do you think I cared?

Oh please.